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  1. I was there, dressed as a dirty sock. I spent most of the time conversing between a glazed doughnut (with the hole in the middle) and a sloppy Joe, when I suddenly noticed a disgruntled sumo wrestler making a fuss despite the two-person horse’s attempt to calm her down. I told the lady at the bar to get the pseudo-voluptuous woman a sex on the beach and to tell her that, “I like her curves.” As awesome as that joke was, Snickers Bar decides to run up on that ho and call her a fat bitch. “Sex on the beach? More like a beached whale, sister!”, he said. Needless to say, I didn’t score. I had no idea it was a gay bar.

    1. Stay tuned for another “behind the scenes, under the skirts” with our special reporter Ximenez.

    2. Now back to our on site correspondent 2lolo for a special report at Fred’s A$$-to-Mouth school where teachers have gone on strike and riots have broken out.

    3. Thank you 2lolo. We have reports that the rioting from Fred’s A$$-to-Mouth school have spread to Miami where a naked homeless man ate another naked homeless mans face. Police fired on the man but the initial shots had little effect, as he kept chewing on the man’s ears, nose and cheeks — and even tried to gouge out his eyeballs.
      (I didn’t make that shit up…)

    4. Yeah, I heard about that, and it doesn’t surprise me. I’ve spent a lot of time in Miami, and I can assure you, it’s exactly like it is on Dexter.

    5. Not just there… Cannibalism is a worldwide phenomenon! People go to church to eat the body of christ and drink his blood all the time!

    6. It wasn’t me in Miami. I have alibis that will testify that I was in a New York Denny’s trying to pay for my Grand Slam meal with a bag of weed at the time…by God!

    7. Why so defensive Fred? No one ever blamed you, I just said ‘homeless’ ya fucking racist!

    8. I am homeless, damn it! I’m posting comments right now from under a bridge!
      And I’m out of fucking weed!

    9. I live in Miami too!!! I actually had a hard time reading y’alls comments……. because most of my face is missing. The last thing I remember was suckitall telling me that her curfew was at seven and that I was delicious… which made no sense because i never planned on seeing her again….. because my face is missing.

    10. I knew it. They always look like the most vulnerable and stupid ones, until they rip your face off. She uses the skin of her victims to fix her hymen after having sex with them.

    11. The only possible upside for this guy is that he’ll actually have a really compelling & true story to write on his cardboard hobo sign. “Face eaten by zombie, need money for new one, god bless.”

    12. Greenwheel, your profile picture looks pretty… I think. It’s hard to tell… BECAUSE MY FACE IS MISSING! I GOT A BOOK COMING OUT!

    13. Do we get a free, autographed, hard copy, or do we people who live under bridges, have to wait for a thrown away paperback?

    14. Fred, she loves long walks on the beach, and a little thing called road muppets. It’s where you find roadkill and play dolls or house with them. I remember being freaked out, and I was all like, “bitch, you gonna eat my face?”

    15. Bitch, you gonna eat my face? is the second novel to be released, and it does feature 2lolo and a donkey.

    16. Awright! This brings up the question of who will play 2lolo in the upcumming movie version.

    17. Ximenez: The seemingly young age. The pretending to be cool. Your skin is rough to the touch. You’re ugly as hell. You’re a…
      Suckitall: Say it…
      Ximenez: … a…
      Suckitall: Say it…
      Ximenez: A Zombie…

    18. Well, you know how Rain Man was supposedly based on a real life retard? Let’s see if we can find that retard.

    19. Suckitall: You’re not afraid of me, are you?
      Ximenez: Not really, you already ate my face off.
      Suckitall: I have these desires. You don’t understand how hard this is for me!!
      Ximenez: Do you have some spare change?

    20. The tweens will eat it up. Edward James Olmos is already interested in the script. He wants to play 2lolo.

    21. Steve Buscemi fits the look, kinda, but I can’t think of anyone fucked enough to pull it off?

    22. Sydney Lassick that played Cheswick in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest might be a candidate.
      If we’re going to reunite that cast, I say Louise Fletcher plays Kelta and Jack Nicholson plays me, that is if we’re even in the story. Brad Dourif for Garret Ximenez.

    23. Of course you guys are in the movie! The back-story involves an eternal struggle between zombies and trolls. There’s a spicy love scene in there with Fred an Kelta too. I can’t wait until they start putting out “Team Ximenez” shirts.

    24. Ok, I originally had you written as a human, but I’ll make you part of the suckitall family. It’s pretty obvious that I’ve seen the twilight movie before… not my choice! I swear (that I love Edward Cullen)!

    25. and ,of course, the movie wouldn’t be complete without some actual trolling:
      Ximenez: When you turned into that zombie, suckitall, I saw something I never want to see again.
      Fred: Your mom’s ass?
      Ximenez: Don’t listen to him.

    26. Ximenez: we have to hide! Quickly, they’re coming!
      2lolo: Dont go in that CLOSET Xijnmenez, FRED is in closet practicing ASS TO MOUTH, with NICKY!
      Suckitall: how come nobody want me? I am a virgin! Fred is that you in the closet with whore Kelta? I gonna eat ur face off!

    27. Kelta: I applaud you, suckmycock, atleast you’re not eating processed bird shit shipped from china.
      Fred: I couldn’t be any more turned on.
      Suckitall: Im horney and I do the sex for real. Fuck you!
      Ximenez: You’re gonna hurt him/her!!!

    28. I don’t know about you all, but I was crying laughing during the Intelligence Fail and the Olivia/Gracy/Gacy thread the other day. I’d like to see that convo go down some way.

    29. I have to know how it ends. Does it end like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, with every faceless homeless, troll, and zombie crawling naked on the floor, weeping over the good times they had?

    30. Ximenez: I’m so scared!!! I need a fix!
      Grenouille: Hand him over, Olivia. It’s over.
      Suckitall: Macy!
      Fred: Gracy?
      2lolo2: Butt sex?

    31. There ya go! I can’t tell you how many times I did shit like that in school passing notes and they write it over and over as if you’re talking. The shit never fails to crack me up.

    32. I had txt messaging. The teachers were total dicks about it though. High school was totally overrated.

    33. I got called away… But holy shit you guys are fucking hilarious!!! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!

    34. They are right? I copied this entire conversation, I want to be able to read it again on a rainy day.

    35. Sorry I’m missing out on all the fun here guys, but I’m making FISH TACOS. You’ll have to carry on without me.
      PS- Zoey Gynoid is perfect- does she do ASS to MOUTH?

    36. I dont eat peoples fucking faces. I dont even know you Ximenez. And you all dont know what i look like. Ximenez you are a total dumbass.

    37. Fred: Hi Olivia! What are you wearing right now?
      Ximenez: a leather vest made of MY FUCKING FACE!
      2lolo: YES FRED you fuck the face but you PREFER the ASS all UP! Although it might just be my own projected fantasy, sorry I’m so fucked up guys.
      Suckit: Im naked and Im horney, I want Fred to fuck me, Fred I hate u ur old and mean
      Kelta: Sweetie please stop acting like a fool, you force me to hurt you, I don’t like it but it’s for your own good!
      Grenouille: I want to meddle! I’ll find something, anything to say, I just want to meddle!
      Randomfan: LOL you guys are soooo funny!
      Randomtroll: ppl r so stopid, its the same guy talking to himself, Im better intelligence.

      Whew.

    38. Suckitall, you liked it!
      Ximenez: They’re not the enemy! The trolls mean no harm!
      Fred: The only harm I do is to myself when I hammer nails in my cock.
      Kelta: Wow, I’m totally aroused! You really know how to turn a woman on!
      Fred: I was hoping that you’d join me. I could hold the nail while you hammer, or better yet, I could just NAIL you!
      *three hours later
      Ximenez: There is no time!
      Kelta: What would you do with my legs, Fred? They get so tired after hours of tantrum sex!
      Grenouille: That is so hot!

    39. Ahahaha!

      I… I… I have to stop. I’m hearing voices in my head. I think they’re having sex. Or hammering nails, I’m not sure.

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